The New Normal or Dealing With Your Emotions After Trauma

Have you ever felt like you've completely lost your mind? Everything goes in and out, blank to real in 2.2 seconds flat, and back again. I never thought I would have to write about these feelings again. I thought I left them behind when I finally found the right medication and a good therapist.

But it all came back to me recently, after a traumatic experience. Those awful feelings came flooding back and I found myself in that same bad place. I lost it, I snapped, and found myself crying on the train home from work, contemplating downing the bottle of percocet in my handbag.

I took myself to the hospital, the one closest to my home, and checked in. They took my pills, and quickly got me in to see the doctor. I was honestly impressed with the speed at which they processed me, which took my mind off the bad thoughts, even if only for a moment. The doctor walked me through my options, then a nurse came and took all my information again.

You learn to repeat your story over and over again. I said "no", he didn't use any force, I blanked out as a survival mechanism, it happened so quickly, he didn't use protection, he came inside me, I'm not pressing charges, was it sex or rape? I never said yes, and asked him to use protection, neither request was acknowledged, so was it sex or rape?

They arranged for me to see a caseworker, and a psychiatrist, as well as a psych nurse. The arrangements were made so fast - I've already seen my caseworker once and he gave me a pile of information and was very helpful. I see the psychiatrist on Monday. I go for testing a week Tuesday. I'm on the right track to face the new normal in my life.

Everyone takes stumbles, has their train fall off the tracks once and a while, but you need to keep trying to move forward. To find your new normal. I know, for myself, finding that normal meant reaching out for professional help.

Asking for help is a big scary step, so if you ever find yourself in a situation like this, and afraid to ask for help, don't get down on yourself for it. It took me many years to realize the signs of a psychotic break in myself, and be able to reach out for help.

But finding the new normal - that's the easy part. Throwing myself into living life again, going to work, hanging out with my friends, taking up new hobbies, going on dates, these are all things that will bring me to a new normal. I may not be ready for an intimate relationship for a long time, but that's my new normal, and anyone who can't appreciate that or deal with it can step out of my life. I will not tolerate anyone in my life who does not respect me or my wishes.

I hope that if you have faced this in your life, that you have found your new normal. And if you haven't that you will consider reaching out to someone who can help you find your new normal. And if you want an anonymous ear to listen, drop me a line, I have been through a lot in my life and can probably offer you some great advice in finding your new normal.

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On Paris and the world.

This isn't just a Paris thing. People are dying everywhere. In our own backyards people are dying of consumerist terrorism. Militant terrorism. This is a world wide epidemic that has nothing to do with religion and everything  to do with politics. Please remember this before you attack your local mosque or church or synagogue. People can hold high their faith without attacking others for it. Life is too short to blame others who have nothing to do with these issues. Please love eachother with aplomb because you never know who will be taken from you next.

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I Pinked My Hair!

OMG! I pinked my hair! It's only temporary thanks to the BTZ Colour Mousse, which is, unfortunately, a discontinued product. But it's a fun way to add some colour to your hair in a very temporary way (washes out after one shampoo). I'm looking for other colours to dye my hair, so leave suggestions in the comments below! 

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Happy Halloween from Power Girl

Costume by Forplay 

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Asexuality and me!

Hi all! Today was a great day for me. I went to my first ever Ace Toronto gathering and met some great new friends and learned a bit more about myself and my sexual orientation.

I, Aggie Panda, am an Asexual.

What does that even mean?

Well, it means I do not find myself sexually attracted to anyone. I find people aesthetically pleasing, yes, and love to date and flirt and get to know people, but when it comes down to doing the nasty, I find myself completely repulsed by it.

But you've had sex before, right?

Yes, in the past, I have given into societal norms and had sex (sorry Mom). I always noticed I felt really bad after having sex with someone though, like, disgusted with myself, and disgusted with my partner. It wasn't until more recently that I learned about asexuality though. I always knew something wasn't quite "right" with me and sex- it never felt "amazing" like people told me it would, and I didn't feel any different about someone after doing it with them, as an expression of my love for someone.

So that means there's a chance you'll have sex again, right?

Maybe. If I meet the right person, who is patient and kind, who is willing to wait until I am ready. Sexuality is fluid. I could wake up one day and decide that I am no longer asexual? But the me of this moment is the person I care about the most, and she is an asexual being.

Baby I can be the one to change you ;);)

No- you probably can't. Especially if it's your attitude that you have to change me somehow. I am not into relationships where people try to change who I am. I don't know about you but that sounds like a pretty shit relationship to me.

You're just doing it wrong/haven't found the right person.

Trust me, I've tried a lot of things (again, sorry Mom), but nothing compels me to want to have sex with someone. As far as the right person, maybe you're right, maybe one day I will meet the one to sweep me off my feet like a fairy tale princess. Even then I might not be sexually attracted to them. But I refuse to put myself into situations of compromise any longer. Sex is on my terms now, and no one else's.

I leave you guys with this absolute gem I got messaged on OkCupid mansplaining how I will never find a man who will treat me nicely without expecting sex.

For more information on asexuality, visit asexuality.org.

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You use to call me on my cell phone....

So last night was a big night for us Canadians. The Toronto Blue Jays won their game, Trudeau was elected Prime Minister with 185 chairs, and most importantly, Drake dropped his video for Hotline Bling.

Buzzfeed Canada posted this handy Venn Diagram on Twitter, in case you couldn't figure out how almost every Canadian was feeling last night:

The video itself is, well, pretty much amazing. Some point out that it could be an homage to Sean Paul's "I'm Still In Love With You" video (and apparently that's the same girl dancing with Drizzy that danced with Sean Paul, but I can't confirm that). Others compared it to a James Turrell Exhibit. I'll let you be the judge:

The video opens up on what appears to be a bad bitch call centre, where Director X surprisingly DOES NOT MAKE FUN OF PHONE SEX OPERATORS! 

Then we get into the meat of the video: Drake's Dad Dancing. No seriously, LOOK AT HIM DANCE:

Okay that's enough of that. 

Even though the song is catchy, it's still pretty problematic, with good ol' Aubrey complaining about how his girl is going out and finding her own life without him and doesn't call him on his cell phone anymore to have phone sex or something like that.

But if we're going to talk about misogyny in rap music, well, that's another blog post for another time. 

If anything, this video proves that Drake is a good sport about being a giant nerd, as he appears in an oversized turtleneck sweater (the same one you wear when you're going through the breakup cries), sweatpants, and high top bootie things and basically does the cha-cha. He also took the time to like and retweet some of the memes that came out of his hilarious dance moves. 

Here is my favourite of all the memes:

Anyways, that's my take on the Hotline Bling video. Hope everyone's having a great week so far.

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Fall Wish List: Dorothy Perkins

Dorothy Perkins is having their Fashion Week sale right now and everything is currently 25% off!

I've made a wish list of everything that I am coveting from their site right now, perfect picks for your fall wardrobe.

DP Curve Wine Wrap Dress

Animal Print Bodycon Dress

Black Lace Longsleeve Top

Mulberry Neck Tie Top

Petite Ivory Short Fur Jacket

DP Curve Black Mesh Yoke Jumpsuit

Thanks for checking out my fall wish list! 

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What's in my beauty bag: the face edition!

Happy Sunday everyone!

Today I'm going to share with you my daily face routine! First I'll tell you a super secret about my skin. As I have gotten older, my skin has changed so much. It went from dry to oily, and from acne prone to CYSTIC acne prone, which made me super self conscious about my makeup routine as it melted off half-way into the day before I found the right routine! So now me and my super oily skin are happy and look great.

As you can see on the left my skin is pretty healthy and I feel confident enough to go out without any makeup on and that's due to my daily skin care regime! I used to be really red in the face and have lots of blemishes but after a consult at Sephora and some great treatments, my skin looks amazing with or without makeup!

I start my facial routine with Origins Zero Oil Face Wash, Toner, and Moisturizer. All available at Sephora. I only learned recently how important moisturizing is especially for oily skin!

I treat my blemishes with The Body Shop - Tea Tree Gel, which works great even on my tough cystic acne. It's cooling and not over-drying like salicylic acid is. It's also currently on sale on the website for 40% off (Ends October 20th, 2015)!

Then once a week I treat my skin to a mask, the Clinique Pore Refining Charcoal Mask. This refreshes the skin and tightens the pores to give my skin a fresh look for the week!

To start my makeup I start with a good base. Too Faced Primed and Poreless Pure is oil free, mattifying, and gives a great fresh base to any foundation. Plus they have a 20% off offer if you share links to your products on Facebook. 

From there I use Estée Lauder Double Wear Stay-in-place Makeup. This seriously stays all day even when I'm at my oiliest. It's also got a nice velvety matte finish but isn't too heavy on the face.

On my spots and discolouration I use Smashbox Stick Concealer, which doesn't seem to be available online anymore. 

Then, I start with my eyes and work my way down! On my lids I use Kat Von D Tattoo Liner in Trooper. It creates a nice clean liquid line and is perfect for winged liner. 

For my lashes I start with a coat of Benefit Roller Lash. The flexible brush is great for reaching all my lashes, even the little ones! 

If I want extra drama or If I'm going out somewhere special I will add a coat of Benefit They're Real! to make my eyes really pop. 

I use a bronzer to define my cheekbones since I have a chubby face. My favourite bronzer is Too Faced Chocolate Soleil. It's a matte bronzer and a deep chocolatey colour, but the best part is that it SMELLS LIKE COCOA! 

Depending on my mood I reach for one of my four favourite blushes. Clockwise from top left: Nars - Deep Throat (peach with a gold metallic sparkle), Sephora - Over the Moon (light lilac purple), Sephora - Apricot Sheen (peach with a silver sheen) or Mac - Sweet Sentiment (bright pink with a silver sheen). 

For my lips I like a full lip look so I use Too Faced - Lip Injection Extreme, which uses pepper extracts to plump up your lips for that Kardashian look without the surgery. Apply, allow for 5 minutes to work, then wipe off the excess unless you want a glossy lip look.

For my lips I switch between liking dark and light colours. My choices for fall are these amazing matte finish Smitten Lip Tint Mousses by La Splash Cosmetics. For a dramatic look I use Raven (top) and for a more neutral lip I go with Nymphea (bottom). For 10% off use the affiliate code affiliate-voh3g6 (I'm not sure who it belongs to but anything to save some money!)

Lastly I dust the bridge of my nose and my cheeks with Mattifying Cosmetics special blend Ultra Mattifying Powder. This is a handmade cosmetic product that I happened upon one day and fell in love with. Right now you can save 10% using the code PAYPAL and paying with your PayPal account! 

I hope you've enjoyed reading what's in my beauty bag - the face edition. In the comments please share your essential beauty items! I love trying new products and love suggestions from my readers. 

Cheers!

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Welcome to the NEW AND IMPROVED www.plussizepanda.com

Hi! For those of you who don't know, I'm Aggie! I have been running plussizepanda.com for 3 years now and loving every moment of it! I post fashion mostly, share coupon codes, sell clothes and sometimes I will review things.

Over the past three years I have truly learned to love myself in a way that I never thought possible. I have suffered most my life with mental illness and struggled with disordered eating. But I overcame my struggles and now here I am! Loving life in every way, living every day, and finding new and exciting things to share with my followers.

If you've followed me over to this blog from my tumblr, I welcome you! I understand that my blog will be less accessible but I will still link everything through my tumblr so you can find me easily.

If you're new to the party, I welcome you! I can't wait to share things with you and give you a glimpse into my lifestyle.

So thank you for joining me in this journey of self love and fashion exploration!

Sweater shown above is from H&M.

Cheers!

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