But it all came back to me recently, after a traumatic experience. Those awful feelings came flooding back and I found myself in that same bad place. I lost it, I snapped, and found myself crying on the train home from work, contemplating downing the bottle of percocet in my handbag.
I took myself to the hospital, the one closest to my home, and checked in. They took my pills, and quickly got me in to see the doctor. I was honestly impressed with the speed at which they processed me, which took my mind off the bad thoughts, even if only for a moment. The doctor walked me through my options, then a nurse came and took all my information again.
You learn to repeat your story over and over again. I said "no", he didn't use any force, I blanked out as a survival mechanism, it happened so quickly, he didn't use protection, he came inside me, I'm not pressing charges, was it sex or rape? I never said yes, and asked him to use protection, neither request was acknowledged, so was it sex or rape?
They arranged for me to see a caseworker, and a psychiatrist, as well as a psych nurse. The arrangements were made so fast - I've already seen my caseworker once and he gave me a pile of information and was very helpful. I see the psychiatrist on Monday. I go for testing a week Tuesday. I'm on the right track to face the new normal in my life.
Everyone takes stumbles, has their train fall off the tracks once and a while, but you need to keep trying to move forward. To find your new normal. I know, for myself, finding that normal meant reaching out for professional help.
Asking for help is a big scary step, so if you ever find yourself in a situation like this, and afraid to ask for help, don't get down on yourself for it. It took me many years to realize the signs of a psychotic break in myself, and be able to reach out for help.
But finding the new normal - that's the easy part. Throwing myself into living life again, going to work, hanging out with my friends, taking up new hobbies, going on dates, these are all things that will bring me to a new normal. I may not be ready for an intimate relationship for a long time, but that's my new normal, and anyone who can't appreciate that or deal with it can step out of my life. I will not tolerate anyone in my life who does not respect me or my wishes.
I hope that if you have faced this in your life, that you have found your new normal. And if you haven't that you will consider reaching out to someone who can help you find your new normal. And if you want an anonymous ear to listen, drop me a line, I have been through a lot in my life and can probably offer you some great advice in finding your new normal.
